Is Strict Parenting Hurting Your Child's Self-Esteem? Here's The Truth

Just imagine having parents who expect nothing less than perfect; everything in your test must score above 90, all actions require confirmation, and anything below their standards gets you a scolding or disappointment. Or on the flip side, imagine having absolutely no rules in place; you're free to make choices without any direction. Would either of these conditions help provide confidence and healthy self-esteem?

I can talk to some of them and relate real-life experiences about childhood and how very strict parents might affect a person's self-esteem.

"I Grew Up Following Rules, but Was I Ever Really Free?"

Sarah (name changed) is a 28-year-old software engineer who shares some childhood experience growing up with strict parents. "My parents were really strict. I had to follow their rules no matter what, and if I didn't, I'd get scolded. My whole life was all about academics. I didn't have many friends because I was too focused on school, and they got angry if my grades were anything less than 90."

Sarah's is one of those classic cases for children raised by high-expectation parents. Where structure and rules are found, the emotional aspect is usually missing which would breed chaos. "I grew up as someone who would ask them to get permission for everything. Whenever school was unbearable or if I was not getting along with other kids, they never comforted me with anything like, 'It's going to be all right.' I felt alone and scared of making my own decisions."

Like Sarah, most children of demanding parents cannot make independent decisions. The fear of mistakes and subsequently the disapprobation can weaken their self-confidence. According to Sarah, "Interviewing others with strict parents, they told me they experienced the same thing growing up feeling like they didn't know how to make decisions or how to interact socially."

The connection between strict parenting and self-esteem is much more complex than it would seem at first glance. While, on one hand, children like Sarah often find themselves struggling with low self-esteem due to obedience and achievement without emotional support, on the other hand, not everyone believes it is strictly the strictness that creates a problem, but rather the character of the rules and the emotional context in which they are enforced.

The case is that of Sebin (name changed), a 33-year-old entrepreneur from Kerala brought up in a house with equally severe parents. While his parents had high expectations, much like Sarah, he did not feel crushed under parental expectations: "My parents were strict but not controlling over every move. They believed in discipline, but also encouraged me to grow on multiple parameters.". It was not just a matter of good grades; they always stretched my capabilities in other types of areas, such as sports and music.

"There were moments where I didn't meet their expectations, and sure, it was tough, but I knew they pushed me because they believed I could meet those goals. That made a huge difference. It didn't crush my confidence; it built it." Kevin reports that the high expectations from his parents were translated as respect by him. As they believed in his ability to do well, this became the basis for higher self-esteem in him.

What makes the experiences of Sarah and Kevin different? The difference lies in the rationality of the rules set by parents. But perhaps it is in the emotional climate fostered by parents. Sebin's parents had rather big expectations but clearly communicated the message that they were all for him. It was a situation where he was allowed to roam about in the different circles of life and experience his mistakes, giving him competence and personal agency, he says.

On the contrary, with choking strictness or arbitrariness-in this case, likened to the rules imposed by Sarah on the child-victims-children get entrapped and bottled up instead of getting guided. Strangely, strictness per se does not suffice in building self-esteem but depends on whether the rules imposed are fair and just. Actually, it is in fact when children feel that support would come to meet expectations that they develop the confidence to succeed for themselves.

Low self-esteem can also emerge from a critical environment rather than strictness itself. Take, for instance, Jia, a 40-year-old marketing manager who is a mother herself from Hyderabad. "My parents were not only strict; they were overly critical. It was not just about rules; they were negative about everything I did. I loved horses, but my mom would constantly ask, 'Why do you even like horses? ' in an offended voice.

Though they paid for me to take riding lessons, they never once came to watch, nor did they ever try to encourage me."

For Jia, it wasn't the rules per se it was the failure to give emotional support and encouragement. "It was not the discipline that damaged my self-esteem. It was their ceaseless criticism, as if everything I was doing would never be good enough for them."

Although many such tyrannized children grow up successful, this is only possible under such a strict regime of rules and emotional validation. In this respect, Jia's case illustrates that the problem with rules isn't that one must have them; it is the way in which those rules are delivered and the extent to which a child's interests and abilities are validated by their caregivers.

That is the ideal kind of parenting: balance. While rules and expectations will teach discipline, emotional support is necessary to boost a child's confidence, knowing that their parents believe in them able to get things done, even when they fall short. This is the reason two-parent households or involved caregivers can make all the difference-each parent might bring their own strong qualities to the table, creating the perfectly balanced environment.

Strict parenting has no direct relation with low self-esteem. Instead, the degree of imposing limits and offering emotional support creates that confident image for the child. Be your parents strict or lenient, what matters most is whether they showed you they believed in your potential.