'I Broke Up With My Friend Because She Cancelled Lunch'- How BPD Turned A Simple No-Show Into Abandonment

I wanted to reject the label. The term personality disorder felt heavy, almost damning. But as my therapist explained the cycles of fear, abandonment, and emotional intensity, I felt something shift inside me. It wasn’t just me overreacting. It wasn’t just me being too much. There was a reason my friendships, my jobs, my relationships always seemed to spiral. There was a reason I felt devastated when my best friend canceled lunch. And now, I had to figure out what that meant.

Tracey* had always felt out of place in most conversations with her friends and at work, when people had it all together (and so did she), it was just a battle in her mind. She had been in therapy for a year before her diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Owing to a the stigma with mental health, most people assume BPD to be a serious disorder with hospitalization or drastic shifts in emotions.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is more than just mood swings or impulsivity. It’s a relentless cycle of intense emotions, fear of abandonment, and self-doubt. To those who don’t live with it, their reactions can seem irrational, even extreme. To them, they feel like survival.

In an honest conversation about her diagnosis and experiences, Tracey shares how it felt when a simple lunch with a close friend got cancelled and all she could feel was, 'worthless'.

When my friend canceled lunch, I spiraled. Logically, I knew things came up. People got busy. Plans changed. But in that moment, it didn’t feel like a simple schedule conflict. It felt like rejection. It felt like she didn’t care. It felt like proof that I wasn’t important.

BPD warps everyday interactions, turning them into battlegrounds of self-worth. A delayed text reply can feel like being ignored. A shift in tone can signal impending abandonment. And when these emotions hit, they hit like a tidal wave—sudden, overwhelming, and consuming.

This emotional intensity has shaped my life in ways I never fully understood until my diagnosis. I’ve lost jobs because I lashed out at perceived slights. I’ve walked away from relationships over a single disagreement, convinced the other person secretly resented me. I’ve felt the highest highs of love and connection, only to be plunged into despair at the first sign of distance.

It’s not that I want to feel this way. If I could switch it off, I would. But BPD doesn’t give you that choice.

Daily Challenges of Living with BPD

One of the hallmarks of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. This fear isn’t just about being alone; it’s about the overwhelming certainty that people will leave—and that when they do, it will be devastating.

When my friend texted, “Hey, I need to reschedule,” I didn’t read it as a simple change of plans. My mind raced: She doesn’t want to see me. I must have done something wrong. She’s pulling away.

I fought the urge to lash out. I wanted to tell her, Forget it. Don’t bother rescheduling. I wanted to cut her off before she could abandon me first. Instead, I sat with the discomfort. I reminded myself that her cancellation wasn’t proof of rejection. I tried to believe it.

BPD makes these moments feel like life or death, but therapy has helped me recognize the difference between feeling abandoned and actually being abandoned.

Black-and-White Thinking: No Room for Gray Areas

Another struggle is the tendency to see things in extremes. People are either good or bad. A relationship is either perfect or ruined. There is no in-between.

When my friend canceled lunch, I immediately shifted her from “amazing friend” to “someone who doesn’t care.” My brain didn’t allow for the possibility that she was just busy, that her cancelation had nothing to do with me.

This kind of thinking has led me to destroy relationships over minor misunderstandings. It’s something I’m working on—learning to challenge absolutes, to recognize nuance, to remind myself that people can be flawed and still love me.

Healing Is a Journey, Not a Destination

Borderline personality disorder doesn’t just disappear with a diagnosis. It’s something I have to manage every single day. Therapy, medication, mindfulness—these tools help, but they don’t erase the struggles.

What I’ve learned, though, is that I can have meaningful relationships. I can learn to sit with discomfort. I can remind myself that a canceled lunch is just that—a canceled lunch.

There are still days when the fear creeps in, when I feel unworthy, when I want to push people away before they can hurt me. But I’m learning to stay. To trust. To believe that not every no-show is abandonment.

BPD might shape how I experience the world, but it doesn’t have to define me. And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.